Sunday, 26 February 2017

Feeling Lost In Motherhood

It's been a while.

Life recently has become a bit of a blur. The days merging into one.

I'm going to be honest and admit that I've been feeling a little lost. Lost as a person, as a wife but most importantly feeling lost as a mother.

"I don't know who I am anymore."

"I can't remember who I used to be."

My life has become intertwined with two people. Two very special people whom I love immensely but right now it feels as though there's barley any trace of me left and I've somewhat slightly become them in a way. It's as though I'm hanging on to the very last bits of me and I need to try and find myself again before I feel completely lost.

I'm going to say it. I'm putting it out there. Part of me doesn't just want to be a mum and I know it sounds utterly awful and selfish of me to say that. I absolutely adore my children, I love being a mother, I chose to stay at home and I really really wouldn't change it for the world but there's a tiny part of me that maybe wants a bit more out of life.

I can't exactly pinpoint the moment I felt it, and I truly don't know when that feeling began.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so bloody lucky to have an amazing husband that is so supportive of what I do and I have two beautiful and healthy children that light up my world but I've just got this niggling feeling that deep down there's something missing.

What that is, I do not know.

I sometimes daydream about things I want to accomplish, like making my crochet hobby into a successful business. Making my channel and my blog successful. I would love to travel the world and seek out it's beauty, and there's nothing more I'd like than to own a family home. I know one day I'll get there, we'll get there. It's just going to take some time isn't it?

I just really want to stop feeling so disconnected with myself now. I despise feeling like this. I want to feel like me again and not like a mindless mombie trudging through life...

It's time to stop sulking, put on my big girl pants and make the most of what I've got. Dreams can come true, I've just got to work at it.